Coping With a Temporary Break Up
Did you have an argument with your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife? Did you disconnect and cannot find a way to re-connect? Before you give up on the relationship, read the 4 points below.
Following a disagreement, a fight or a break up with a loved one most of us experience light to moderate distress. This is natural since your convenient routine has been disrupted and there is a threat to your relationship. It is important to remember that most fights are temporary and couples usually make up.
Remember, this is a temporary break up, not yet a permanent one. Grieving comes after the point of no return. During a temporary break up you want to stay positive and weigh all the pros and cons of your relationship. This will help you when you talk to your partner again. You will be much more clear on what works in your relationship and what doesn’t.
The last thing you want to do is call or text them while drunk or under the influence of any other substance or person. When you are clear on the message you want to deliver, make a phone call and ask for a meeting. See Steps to Resolve a Conflict for tips on structuring this important conversation.
A temporary breakup is a great way to catch up on hobbies, working out, family, and work. Treat yourself to new clothes, a trip to a spa or a pool. However, do not let the break up last too long. Remember, the longer you stay separate from each other, the more chance that either you or your partner will grieve the relationship and move on.
If your partner is the one who usually takes the first step by apologizing and making up – do something different this time. Reduce the hurt by acknowledging your contribution to the argument, no matter how small. If you are the one who usually apologizes, you can do it one more time, if you want to, but make sure you do it differently. You can initiate a conversation by letting your partner know that you are not apologizing but rather want to take some time to brainstorm together and figure out what really happened. Then follow the Steps to Resolve a Conflict in the link above.
What to do
During a break up, once the initial anger has passed, it is important to focus on the positive aspects your relationship. This will give you a better perspective and will help you salvage your bond. What happens is that negative memories will fade away with time and the positive ones will remain. If you concentrate on the negative after the fight, the temporary breakup will become permanent.
After a fight it helps to remember the things that your partner does for you. Since what you do for your partner is more readily available for your memory, you tend to think that you actually do more for your partner than your partner does for you. At the same time your partner probably thinks the same because he or she remembers only what he/she did for you and not what you did for them.
It sometimes happens that one person initiates the process of making up more often than the other. It is a good idea to try and alternate the turn of making the first step to reconciliation. If a woman is usually the one who starts talking, it is a good idea for a man to initiate more often.
Even though the distress that you experience is uncomfortable, it serves a useful function. This uncomfortable feeling stimulates both of you to think about your relationship and your roles in it. It also gives you a push to get back together.
Most fights dissolve within a couple of days. Some breakups last for a couple of weeks. If the breakup is prolonged there is increasing likelihood for the relationship to fall apart.
It usually pays off in the long run to be able to make the first step and approach your loved one with a plan for reconciliation.