Extramarital Affairs
What to do when you discover an affair?
How common is extramarital affairs? What does infidelity lead to?
Infidelity is widely recognized as a significant factor leading to divorce in North America. Research findings vary, with reported rates of extramarital affairs ranging from 15% to 40% for women and 30% to 47% for men.
Couple and family therapists have noted that dealing with the aftermath of infidelity poses considerable challenges for both married and common law couples, as well as for dating couples. However, our experience suggests that when both partners are committed to addressing the affair and rebuilding trust within the relationship, the success rate of recovering from an extramarital affair, or any other form of infidelity, is quite high. This is especially true if the couple is working with a competent marriage counsellor or couples therapist.
An extramarital affair inflicts deep wounds at the very heart of a relationship, eroding trust in its wake. One partner invariably bears the brunt of the emotional injury. If the couple wishes to salvage their relationship, it is beneficial for the injured partner to embark on the journey of forgiveness, aiming to release hurt feelings and resentment. However, it is important to note that while forgiveness can be a potent tool for overcoming the consequences of infidelity, it does not guarantee reconciliation. In some cases, even after forgiveness, partners choose to part ways. More often than not, with the support of an experienced therapist, couples opt to remain together and embark on the path of rebuilding the trust that was once lost.

What We Focus On
In our work with couples, we do not support affair counselling when one partner is unwilling to end an ongoing affair. We believe that it is counterproductive to the process of rebuilding trust and, from our experience, it does not produce positive results. We ask the couple to end any ongoing communication with the third party in order to invest their time and energy into their relationship.
We focus on two necessary aspects of recovery from an extramarital affair. First, we help the couple process the underlying feelings of hurt, anxiety, shame and guilt that usually accompany the aftermath of an affair. This process helps the couple reconnect and restore genuine affection in the relationship. Second, it is important to process what made the couple vulnerable to an affair in the first place. This includes an in-depth analysis of their relationship dynamics and patterns of communication. From our experience, the whole process takes two to three months, on average.
If you are dealing with the consequences of an extramarital affair, remember that there is hope. With competent professional help couples usually overcome the devastation and work through the affair.