Do not come to marriage counselling or couples therapy unprepared!
Having worked with couples for over 17 years I have found two main mistakes couples make when preparing for therapy.
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Choose a competent specialist in marriage counselling or couples therapy.
It is not enough to choose a qualified therapist. To maximize the chances of success, you need someone who specializes in couple work. There is a simple way to tell whether the person is a specialist or a generalist. A specialist mostly focuses on working with couples. Most of their clients are couples. A generalist works with a variety of clients. There is a mixture of individuals dealing with various issues as well as some couples. If you have never tried couples therapy, you may think “What’s the difference anyway? Generalists are also qualified to work with couples!” That is true. They are qualified. However, if you want to prepare for couples therapy, it makes sense to increase your chances of success. Working with a specialist will increase your chances significantly.
Here is a simple analogy. If you need a consultation about your heart, you can get help from a family doctor or from a specialist, a cardiologist in this case. Both are qualified. If you had a choice, you would probably choose the specialist. It is the same with couples therapy.
How do I tell if the person is a specialist in marriage counselling or couples therapy? The best question to ask is “How many couples do you typically see per week?” A specialist would answer “anywhere between 10 to 20 couples per week”. Please note that the question “How long have you been doing this?” is not going to tell you whether the person is a specialist or a generalist. If they respond with “I’ve been doing this for 20 years”, it may mean that they are very experienced in individual psychotherapy. If they only see five couples per year, you would be couple number six that particular year!
Asking how many couples they see per week may be awkward. You may already like the person based on how they sound on the phone. You may not want to hear anything that could change your mind about them. That is understandable. I would recommend overcoming that awkwardness and asking the question anyway. Then you can decide what to do with the answer.
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Prepare for your first appointment.
There is no need to write a long list of things. The best way to prepare for couples therapy is to decide one to three things that you want changed as a result of the counselling process. It may sound simple. The main mistake I see in my practice is that people say “I just want my partner to be happy”. You can say it of course. It is not very helpful in the practical sense.
A more practical goal would be “I want to learn how to listen to each other without interrupting” or “I want both of us to stop getting triggered in the middle (or in the beginning) of a difficult conversation” or “I want us to get on the same page as parents and become a unified front with the children”.
Please note that if you do your diligence on point number one, if you choose the right specialist, then they will help you define your goals in the first meeting. What I am saying is that the first point is much more important than the second one. Spend more time finding a competent specialist by asking how many couples they see per week. If time is not a factor, then spend an hour or so before your first meeting writing out your specific hopes for marriage counselling or couples therapy.
