A woman looks into an ornate mirror, wearing a dark top and large earrings, pondering how to tell if you love someone. Her reflection is visible in the foreground, evoking thoughts about relationship dynamics, while a man in a suit stands slightly blurred in the background—symbolizing potential communication challenges. The room's elegant decor sets a contemplative scene for this simple love test, highlighting themes of self-reflection and potential marriage counselling or couples counselling to explore deeper emotional connections. Rosen Couples Counselling

How to tell if you love someone? A simple love test.

How do I know if I love my partner? Maybe they are not my partner yet but I still want to know if I love them or not? As a couple therapist, I occasionally hear questions like this. Here is a simple test I recommend to people who are not sure if they love their partner or not.

This is a subjective test. Love is a feeling. Deep inside you know whether you love someone or not. The problem is that the deep feeling in your heart goes through censorship of your brain. The process of censorship uses objective criteria such as “How convenient would it be to live with that person?” or “Would my mother approve of him?” or “Would my friends like the way she looks?”

The answer that you get after your brain censor does its job may or may not correspond to the actual feeling in your heart. The assumption in this test is that love comes from your heart, not from your logical mind. If you believe that love is based on logic rather than feelings then this test may not be for you.

So, here is a quick test to tell if you love someone.

The Do-It-At-Home Love Test

  1. Make sure you are at home alone.  This is important! Any distraction will take you from feelings to thoughts. It will influence the result. You may also feel rushed because someone may walk in or get your attention somehow.
  2. Stand in front of a mirror.  Look at your face in the mirror. Do not rush. Imagine that your current problems do not exist. If you are thinking about any current problems or issues, the censorship in your brain will probably be active. It will probably influence the result.
  3. Imagine being with your partner for the rest of your life.  Think of just the two of you. Imagine going through life stages and growing old together. Visualize spending evenings and weekends together. See the two of you raise children or travel. Spend some time here. If you notice that an image of any other person, like your parent or friend, interferes with your visualization process – chase that ghost away! That person has become a part of your brain censor or your inner critic. It taints the true feelings of your heart.
  4. Keep looking at your face, and especially your eyes, in the mirror.  What do you see? A smile? A look of contentment? A frown? A sad face? In this case, a smile is the best subjective indicator of love.

Please note that, in the test above, it is important to not focus on the current problems you are experiencing. If you succeed at putting the current problems to the side, you will be subjectively measuring your love for your partner. If you focus on the current issues, it may taint the process. You may be measuring your current dissatisfaction in the relationship rather than love.

Working on your relationship in couple therapy or on your own can help you resolve relationship issues. It can help you communicate better. It cannot help you fall in love with someone.

About the author: Vitali Rosen is a Registered Psychotherapist and a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist in the City of Vaughan of the Greater Toronto Area.