What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples?
What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples? After having practiced EFT for over 15 years, I will demystify this seemingly complex method here.
There are two basic cycles that couples fall into, according to EFT.
1. Blame – Defend Cycle
This cycle reminds that of a courtroom. There is a “plaintiff” who accuses their partner of something. They blame them. The blaming partner is very vocal about it. They point a finger in a way and say “You did this and that…”
The other partner is the “defendant” in this so-called courtroom. They defend their position with statements like “Yes, but…” and “Well, why don’t you look at your own behaviour” or “It didn’t happen like that!”
When I work with couples in marriage counselling or couples therapy, I see this cycle on a daily basis. It is that common!
2. Pursue – Withdraw Cycle
In this common pattern, one partner has a more anxious attachment style in relationships. They pursue. They desperately attempt to re-connect with the other person. Unfortunately, it may come across as if they are attacking their partner in some way.
The other partner has an avoidant attachment style in relationships. They withdraw. When they do that, the more anxious partner feels the distance and tries to re-connect. If the attempt to reconnect comes across as some sort of an attack, the avoidant partner withdraws. Round and round it goes.
Emotionally-focused couples therapy addresses the above cycles. It is a relatively short-term approach to couples therapy. The average length of EFT is about 12 sessions. There is often a mixture of couple sessions and individual sessions. Mostly, EFT consists of joint couple sessions.
First of all, the therapist points out the pattern. Please note that your particular pattern may be a variation of the above cycles. It will probably be something close to it though. You may or may not see it yourself. That is why you need a specialist in couples therapy to observe you as a couple. A couples therapist who is competent at EFT should be able to see your pattern in the first few sessions.
Once the cycle is identified, you will be able to see most of your arguments and fights through that similar pattern. The therapist will then be able to help you change the pattern. There are certain steps that your couples therapist will follow. When the underlying issues and your deeper feelings are expressed and processed, you will be able to relate to each other in a better, more productive, way.
Why is EFT called emotionally-focused?
Because it addresses two types of emotions – surface emotions and deeper underlying emotions. A typical couple in distress argues on the surface. They are not in touch with their deeper feelings. It is that simple. They have the feeling inside. There is no expression of that feeling though. Sometimes, there is not even an awareness of that feeling. The feeling is usually there and a seasoned EFT practitioner can identify those underlying feelings and help you and your partner express them. This process, when skillfully applied, leads to the dissolution of the above-mentioned cycles. Instead, partners develop a more positive emotional patterns based on their deeper feelings for each other.
Emotionally-focused couple therapy was developed in Toronto and Ottawa. Both GTA and Ottawa are now central hubs for EFT. Many therapists in Vaughan, Richmond Hill and Markham now specialize in providing effective EFT for couples.
Vitali Rosen is a Registered Psychotherapist and a Registered Marriage & Family Therapist in the city of Vaughan of the Greater Toronto Area. He is an approved clinical supervisor with the Canadian Association for Couple & Family Therapy.