What is the most common problem in marriage? A perspective of a seasoned couple therapist

What is the most common problem in marriage? The short answer is the loss of the Couple Unit. The energy from that unit moves to Individual and Family Units. The more detailed explanation is provided below.

In order to answer the question of the most common problem impacting marriage, let me briefly define the basis of a good marriage. Most marriage counsellors describe love, trust, respect and communication as the basics of a good marriage. I agree with that. At the same time, I like to define marriage in practical terms. It helps to look at a marriage as an interaction between the 3 units. The Individual Unit. The Couple Unit. The Family Unit. If the relationship is child free, then there are two units – Individual and Couple.

When you are single, all of your energy is in your individual unit. You have your work or school as well as free time with hobbies and friends. When you start seriously dating someone, a great deal of energy goes into the couple unit. It is important to keep a good balance. Closeness in the couple unit is important but so is distance that maintains your individual identity.

If you have children, the family unit is added. At this point, a great deal of energy goes into the family. Household and childcare take most time and energy. Now a couple needs to juggle all three units. Sometimes the family unit becomes so busy that most of the energy goes there. Not much is left for the couple unit. The personal unit may also suffer. Often, one of the partners puts more energy into the family while the other keeps some energy for themselves. That creates an imbalance that may lead to resentment.

As a marriage counsellor, I ask couples about their Couple Unit. Very often, it takes a back burner. It is especially relevant for couples with children. The family unit takes most of their time. Fun becomes family fun rather than couple fun. Couples justify it by saying “We are no longer boyfriend and girlfriend. We have responsibilities now. Children will grow fast. We need to be there for them.” That is true of course. At the same time, the couples unit needs to be nurtured and watered in order to grow or at least survive. When your children launch, you will be empty nesters – the couple unit again. If you are no longer familiar as a couple, it may feel awkward.

As a result of malnourished couple unit, affection and intimacy suffer. It is usually justified by busy schedule as a family and some personal commitments. The couple is no longer the team they used to be. As a result, communication is impacted negatively. There is less respect in the relationship. They may be trust issues. Partners start wondering if they still love each other. All of these are symptoms of a weakened Couple Unit. I sometimes see couples who kept their couple unit on the backburner for 10 or even 20 years! Marriage counselling is usually necessary to revive the relationship.

My recommendation as a marriage counsellor to you is – maintain your Couple Unit while your children are little. Your children need time and energy. Your couple unit needs the same. If you lived together for a relatively long time before you had children, you can reduce the energy in your couple unit while the children are very little. Do not remove it completely. If you did not have a chance to establish a strong bond as a couple before the children, you need to do it while having children. If you don’t, it may become a habit. You will not be able to remember what your couple unit feels like. I see situations like this in my office.

As you are maintaining your couple unit, do not forget about the family and yourself. It does take some balance and finesse but those are the basics of marriage. The one that survives and thrives.

Vitali Rosen is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist in Vaughan, Ontario.