When We Kept Going in Circles – How Therapy Helped Us Break the Cycle and Avoid Divorce

Overview

• Couple background – a couple in their late 30s with 2 school-age children. 
• Main presenting issue – frequent arguments at home that escalate to yelling and screaming at each other in front of the children. There was very little intimacy in the last year or so.
• Emotional state at intake – the wife spoke about separating, the husband wanted to fix the relationship but presented as being very frustrated and impatient.

The Problem

• Core relationship challenge – the partners could not have a calm productive dialogue when they disagreed on something
• Repeating patterns or cycles – every time there was a disagreement, it escalated to an argument.
• How it was affecting communication, intimacy, or trust – communication at home was at a minimum, only the necessary exchanges to run the household. There was no fun in or out of the bedroom. There was very little trust that the partner “has my back”

Underlying Emotional Pattern (EFT Lens)

• What emotions were driving the conflict – the wife was withdrawn and angry at the husband. The husband was frustrated and hopeless.
• Attachment needs – the husband was very anxious due to the wife being withdrawn and shut down.
• Cycle description – currently, the wife was withdrawn while the husband was pursuing. The initial interview showed that this is more of a recent pattern. Typically, the wife pursued while the husband withdrew from communication. The switch in this pattern is typical when the marriage is on the brink of divorce.

Thought Patterns Contributing to Conflict (CBT Lens)

• Key negative thoughts or assumptions – my partner doesn’t care about me, they don’t love me and don’t want me
• Misinterpretations between partners – the husband thought that the wife simply lost interest in intimacy, at least with him. He believed she was interested in other men. The wife saw her husband as a bad listener and not really wanting to be with her but rather having the marriage as a check mark that he has an intact family.
• How thoughts escalated emotional reactions – both were ready to defend themselves at the slightest hint of an accusation by the other person. Any hint of blame produced a strong defensive response of either getting heated or shutting down.

What Was Worked On in Therapy

• EFT interventions – first I helped the couple identify the current cycle and the switch from the previous, typical cycle. We also agreed to work on communication rather than making an immediate decision on separation. This agreement allowed for the initial deescalation of the emotional reactions and some temporary attachment security. 
• CBT interventions – I had the partners slow down in their communication. They took turns talking and listening. Instead of reacting emotionally, they started to think about the situation and what the other person was saying.
• Communication tools or exercises used – taking turns to speak and to listen helped the initial deescalation of the blame/defend pattern when they spoke over each other. Having one partner summarize and make sense of what the other is saying helped facilitate the thinking and reduce the emotional reactivity.

Turning Point

• Key breakthrough moment in therapy – once they started talking calmly and listening patiently, we explored the past year when their intimacy slowed down significantly. The wife described an incident about a year ago when the husband didn’t have her back during a business interaction, they were in a family business together. The husband initially denied it but was eventually able to appreciate her point of view. 
• Shift in communication or emotional understanding – the husband’s understanding of her point of view and validating her being upset about it had led to the softening in the wife’s stance towards him. 
• First successful interruption of old pattern – the wife’s softening towards her husband was the first significant interruption of her withdrawal in the cycle. The next step was to help them make sense of their old pattern when the wife would pursue her husband for communication while he withdrew. His newfound skills of patiently listening to his wife while she describes her point of view calmly helped them avoid falling into the old pattern.

Outcome

• Changes in communication – the couple learned to communicate more effectively rather than going in circles. 
• Emotional connection improvements – both felt emotionally closer to each other and calmer. There was a sense of a more secure attachment to each other.
• Conflict reduction or resolution ability – the couple now has an effective platform to communicate at home by themselves. Whether they choose to continue using it by themselves at home or not is up to them. A driver’s test ensures that the person is able to drive properly. A competent therapist ensures that the couple can communicate properly. How the person drives when unsupervised and how the couple communicates at home without facilitation is up to them.
• Clarity in relationship direction – since the underlying issue was identified, processed and healed, the couple is well positioned to continue their relationship together while raising the children and resolving future misunderstandings and disconnections by using their newfound tools of speaking calmly and looking for underlying issues together rather than going in circles.

Key Insight

Short reflective takeaway

When a couple is stuck discussing issue A, it helps to slow down and combine their efforts to look for some issue B, which is underlying issue A. Once issue B is identified and processed, the needle can move forward on issue A. Look for a blind spot that keeps you stuck rather than escalating at each other or shutting down.